On TV, part 1

"Radio, TV and magazines

Telling you how to be to make the scene

It's all black and white with no grey matter in between

And the megalithic media with feet of clay

Suck to the people so the ratings pay

Never give a care who's caught in the ricochet

Every picture paints a thousand lies and the airways amplify..."

~‘Popaganda machine" by Wiedeman/Frost/Frost/Barton

from the 1927 album “…Ish”, 1989

Holidays from the regular doldrums of the day job gave me an opportunity to do pretty much whatever I wanted for a few days. These occasions are rare and I was determined to make the most of it. While I had plenty of other things to do, I’m firmly of the view that doing nothing is best savoured when there are other things on the to-do list. I chose that for one day, I’d (mostly) sit in front of the TV and channel surf, which would serve the dual purpose of offering me the opportunity to rest completely and waste time, and also give me some fodder for a new piece of writing. Many’s the occasion that I find myself arguing at some ridiculousness or inanity on the idiot box, yelling near-obscenities at some blowhard advocating something actively dense. Now I would spend the time garnering ammunition for a decent rant. Ranting is always cathartic... right?

Time: 0730 hours
Number of coffees: 0… so far…
Desire to be awake: Also 0

The alarm went off at 7:30 in the morning. I drowsily turned and smooched Wonder Woman, reached for the TV remote and switched on the small TV in the corner. Immediately I was assaulted by the excessive cheeriness and altogether cheesy grins of the morning show presenters. The particular brand of entertainment that shows like Today (Ch9) and Sunrise (Ch7) thrust upon an awakening Australia aims for breezy family viewing with which to welcome each new day. I loathe them. I find their hosts uniformly gormless and without charm, usually spruiking some thinly veiled form of rampant consumerism and are ridiculously conservative. Worse is their hypocritical misogyny. They openly have a balance between male and female co-anchors and on-screen personnel, but in the worst of all TV traditions, the men have the ability to be older, greyer and fatter than their female counterparts and still retain their relevance. Can anyone seriously suggest to me that Richard “Jeff Goldblum is dead” Wilkins would still have a job if he was a woman?

Just as the perkiness was approaching the point of nausea, I switched over to Breakfast (ABC1), which is a far better product. Proper, intelligent morning news and current affairs, reasonably light in tone, and, not being beholden to its corporate masters, well balanced. Some may suggest it is too dry and stuffy, as much of the ABC is traditionally viewed, but I personally find the whip-smart Virginia Trioli a treat. Oh that I wish that intellectual stimulation trumps bright colours and whitened teeth for others as much as for me.

Time: 0900 hours
Number of Coffees: 2
Number of hours of TV still to watch: unfathomably many

9 o’clock comes around and the botox-infested morning shows continue with Kerri-Anne Kennerley (Kerri-Anne, Ch 9) and the imaginatively named The Morning Show (Ch7). Man alive, these shows are vile. They have the temerity to put ad breaks in the middle of shows that are essentially one big advertisement, with all their goofy advertorials. Advertorials are an exercise in Darwinism; they prey on the feeble. Take a moment to search eBay for any number of unwanted ‘Ab Blasting Machines’ and you may get a hint at just what I mean.

The so-called ‘personalities’ that host these types of programs (and the ones that precede them) have been traditionally called anchors, presumably because they have a force of personality that stops a viewer from drifting away before the next useless product they’re unashamedly flogging. They rely on the cult of personality to create more doe-eyed consumers for junk merchandise. Harmless, perhaps, but I’m convinced that these advertorials commit the same crime as trashy magazines aimed at women – their very survival depends on an unwavering disengagement of the brain on behalf of the audience. More misogyny cleverly disguised as entertainment. Harmless? Perhaps not so much. I can’t watch these kinds of programs without feeling vaguely insulted.

If only more people, particularly women, realised that by-and-large behind the cheesy grins encouraging us to “Call Now!” are middle-aged, middle class men essentially mocking them, these types of shows wouldn’t continue. French philosopher/writer/lawyer/diplomat Joseph de Maistre once said “Every country has the government it deserves” *. Same goes with TV I guess. Just remember the next time Kerri-Anne urges you to listen to “a word from our sponsors”, that you’re taking instruction from a woman who has been nominated several times for an Australian Skeptics “Bent Spoon Award” (awarded to an Australian deemed the perpetrator of the most preposterous piece of paranormal or pseudoscientific piffle). Furthermore, back in 2010 just after AFL Grand Final week, she referred to women allegedly sexually assaulted by footballers as “strays”, and is the proud owner of a star on Australia’s own ‘Walk of Stars’, outside a charcoal chicken in Caloundra, sandwiched between stars belonging to Leo Sayer and Lucky Grills. Just saying.

Time: 1030 hours
Number of Coffees: Still just 2. Stall! Stall! Stall!
Number of times I’ve looked around for something heavy to throw at the TV: 17

My morning was chugging along rather painfully so far, but I had so far resisted the urge to gouge out my eyes with a butter knife. I still had a long road ahead of me… you can find out how it went next week.

* Except I'm fairly certain he said it in French.

**To follow the On Writing Blog on Facebook, click HERE and click the "Like" button**