“Only the losers win
They’ve got nothing to prove
They’ll leave the world with nothing to lose
You can laugh at the weirdos now
Wait till wrongs are right
They’ll be the ones with nothing to hide”
~ ‘The Loser’, by Jon Foreman
from the Switchfoot album “Learning To Breath”, 2000
I think I’m pretty much on the record as having a deep and abiding love for all things Transformers. I’ve spoken before about the ‘Tech Specs’ profiles pioneered by Bob Budiansky in the ‘eighties, each describing a particular character’s traits and abilities.
In the ongoing battle between the heroic Autobots and evil Decepticons, not every Transformer is going to be a fan favourite. For every Optimus Prime or Bumblebee, there is an obscure character that, for one reason or another, didn’t make the grade…
You’ll not find them in a cartoon or comic, they are absent from our toy shelves and they haven’t graced cinema screens, but here, for the first time, I’m proud to present a few of the ‘also rans’ of the Transformers world...
...The Six Most Useless Transformers You’ve Never Heard Of!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Brushcutter
Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Scout
Alt mode: High powered whipper-snipper
Motto: "That hurts worse than a paper cut!"
Abilities: In whipper-snipper mode, Brushcutter is able to spin his razor-sharp diamond-tipped blades at nearly 100 revolutions per second. He is able to easily cut through wood up to one metre thick. He can even carve into most rocks and, along with his innate ability to locate the weakness in any object or obstacle, can even break through large boulders or metal beams given enough time.
Weaknesses: Brushcutter hoped to find his niche as a forward scout for the Decepticon cause, preparing the way for his evil brethren and leading them into battle. However, due to a catastrophic case of clumsiness, he frequently loses control of his blades, thus injuring his own teammates. Megatron even went as far as ordering him to watch Edward Scissorhands over and over in order to learn some new techniques, but poor Brushcutter could only focus on the gaping plot holes. He now spends his time as the most evil cinema critic in the galaxy and harbours a lingering obsession with Johnny Depp.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Trashcan
Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Surveillance
Alt mode: Wheelie bin
Motto: "What's that smell?"
Abilities: Using his clever disguise as a ubiquitous object, Trashcan is able to blend into any urban environment with ease. His sonic receptors can receive, isolate and record sounds up to 1000 metres away, making him a vital cog in Megatron's efforts. He is frequently sent to sites of Autobot activity in order to spy, reporting a wealth of intelligence regarding the hated enemies of the Decepticons.
Weaknesses: Trashcan is unfortunately the only Decepticon with a germ phobia, which leads to inevitable problems when humans dump waste into him at regular intervals. After a particularly nasty experience outside a pub after a half-price parma-and-pot night, Trashcan had an 'episode' and locked himself away in the deepest corner of the Decepticon base where he still sits, armed with a bottle of hospital strength Domestos and a scrubbing brush, scouring himself to the point of exhaustion if ever approached.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Infodump
Allegiance: Autobot
Function: Research and information retrieval
Alt mode: Laptop computer
Motto: "Damn you, Bill Gates!"
Abilities: In laptop computer mode, Infodump is able to hack into any WiFi network and download gigabytes of data at speeds faster than any Internet connection created by humans. Furthermore, he is able to sift through those reams of information to isolate those bytes that contain information the Autobots can use to their advantage.
Weaknesses: While sorting through raw intelligence data found on the World Wide Web, Infodump became addicted to various social media, spending more time than is healthy monitoring his Twitter feed and playing Farmville on Facebook. In an effort to curb his addictions, Autobot medic Ratchet attempted to install NetNanny software. However, its function clashed with the most recent security update from Microsoft, causing Infodump to constantly circle in a never ending loop of error messages that no amount of ctrl-alt-del's can fix.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Broadcast
Allegiance: Autobot
Function: Communications
Alt mode: Record player
Motto: “Young people these days…”
Abilities: Broadcast is able to announce important information in any known frequency. He uses this ability to communicate vital instructions and strategies to his teammates during battle, enabling them to stay organised.
Weaknesses: Despite the urgings of his teammates, Broadcast remains a steadfast technological troglodyte. He refuses to update his aged alt mode to something more advanced. He insists that “them new-fangled digital players are useless! The good ol‘ 33⅓rpm records give a far better sound!” He even resists Optimus Prime’s urgings to be a bit more discreet with his information delivery - as the Decepticons are just as able to hear his communications as the Autobots. This often renders him more of liability than a help. Broadcast won’t have a bar of it. Even Kup, the Autobots’ elder-statesman, dismisses Broadcast as a crotchety old bugger.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Sneaker
Allegiance: Autobot
Function: Spy
Alt mode: Electric car
Motto: "Gotcha!”
Abilities: Armed with engine block sound dampeners and impeccably lubricated joints and servos, Sneaker is able to move in virtual silence both in vehicle and robot mode. Coupled with his ability to see all light frequencies and perceive even the faintest of light sources, he is literally able to see in the dark. His relatively small size and double joints means he can fit himself into spaces too tight for most larger ‘bots.
Weaknesses: Sneaker’s ability to sneak around undetected means he has developed a penchant for practical jokes that constantly gets him into trouble with his Autobot superiors. The Autobots tolerated the time he secured a remote control to Prowl’s police car mode lights, turning them on and off during mission briefings; they excused him for replacing Jazz’s entire Earth-music collection with the complete works of Celine Dion; they could not, however, forgive him for the now-infamous “hungry-robo-ferret-in-Optimus-Prime’s-exhaust-pipe” incident. He has been confined to quarters ever since.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Brainwave
Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Psychological warfare
Alt mode: Ice cream van
Motto: "I just love pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!” *
Abilities: Brainwave is an empath, with the ability to detect and tune in to the very specific brainwave frequencies of any organism, giving him the ability to predict their every thought, often discerning their next move even before they make it. This talent makes him an extremely dangerous foe in a fight, and Autobots will often give him a wide berth on the battlefield.
Weaknesses: Unfortunately for Brainwave, the first victim he used his abilities on after arriving on Earth was a four-year-old girl with a Care Bears obsession. The experience was so injurious to his psyche that he found himself simply unable to hate the Autobots any longer. For a while, he tried to exhort and cajole his Decepticon teammates around to his way of thinking, sometimes leaving them short notes of encouragement. They were hoping he would snap out of it, warily accepting his decision to redecorate his quarters with rainbow murals. Sadly, he met his end when he suggested that Starscream should “turn that frown upside down” and had his head blown off for his trouble.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, you’ll find none of these treasures in the regular Transformers canon. More’s the pity, really…
(An important note for those unfamiliar with Transformers lore, for the sake of clarity: These characters are purely my invention. I’ve copied a particular format - as stated - that may make it seem like I’m writing silly things about characters invented by others. I am, in fact, writing silly things about characters that I’ve created that may very well fit into Transformers canon if it weren’t for the fact that they are, well… pretty silly. It’s a parody of a fiction. OK? Good. Alright then, as you were...)
*You'll love them too... go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWM2joNb9NE and have your mind blown.
No comments:
Post a Comment