“I read the news today, Oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh”
~ ‘A Day in the Life’, by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
from The Beatles album “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, 1967
A brief note on what follows: Any resemblance in the following piece of fiction to any person, either living, dead, or in Adelaide, is absolutely intentional. There. That should see off the defamation lawyers…
(Cue pompous music. Pompous music fades…)
Peter Hitchener: Good evening, I’m Peter Hitchener and this is the news. Well, mostly anyway. Perhaps some of it will be news. OK, it’s the news that Rupert Murdoch has permitted us to broadcast and is not contrary to his interests.
PH: In breaking news on the recent debate concerning the environment, professional climate change skeptic Lord Christopher Monckton has presented his most recent research at a special evening convened at Monash University. Lord Monckton’s research into debunking what he terms “the climate change myth” was presented in what was a departure from the regular method of presenting research to academics - he delivered the paper in much the same way as he created it - by standing at the lectern with his fingers in his ears yelling “Not listening! Not listening!!” It was rumoured that Lord Monckton’s paper also contained irrefutable evidence that the Earth is flat, the sky is indeed green, and that he saw Goody Proctor with the devil, but these claims were unable to be confirmed.
PH: In politics today, Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has continued his persistent attacks on the government and the Carbon Tax legislation. He made a statement at a factory in the south-eastern suburbs of Melbourne, just around the corner from the factory in the south-eastern suburbs of Melbourne where he made a similar statement yesterday. And the day before that. Our political correspondent Laurie Oakes spoke with Mr Abbott earlier today.
(On Location)
Laurie Oakes: Mr Abbott, can you explain why you are here today?
Tony Abbott: Well, Laurie, I’m here to put pressure on the Government and to highlight their great, big tax, which I believe would be terrible for all Australians.
LO: What part of the Carbon Tax does your party most disagree with?
TA: Well, Laurie, I mostly disagree with the Government’s great, big tax, and I believe it will be bad for all Australians.
LO: Would you concede that the Carbon Tax will discourage large companies, the worst polluters in the country, from continuing to pollute the air that all Australians breath every day?
TA: Well, Laurie, I believe that the Government’s great, big tax will be just awful for all Australians.
LO: Can you outline the Coalition’s plan to reduce carbon emissions?
TA: Well, Laurie the Coalition’s policy is to be against the Government’s great, big tax, which will of course be bad for all Australians.
LO: Do you have any ideas at all for the future development and progress of Australia as a nation?
TA: …
LO: Mr Abbott? Do you have any creative ideas at all? Can you articulate any vision whatsoever for the future of this country?
TA: …
LO: Mr Abbott?
TA: Well, Laurie, what I can say is that the Government’s great, big tax is very, very bad and…
LO: Yes, yes, thank you Mr Abbott. There you have it, Peter, a typically astute and erudite offering from the man who is potentially the next Prime Minister of Australia. Back to you in the studio.
Peter Hitchener: Well, that was certainly an >ahem< enlightening statement from the Opposition leader. Thank you, Laurie. That’s Laurie Oakes, on location.
PH: In other news today, following accusations that he had lifted the practice of arrogance, xenophobia and uninformed opinion to the level of an art form, controversial columnist and broadcaster Andrew Bolt has placed himself in the State Gallery of Victoria as a living art installation. We now cross to our reporter James Talia outside the State Gallery.
(On Location)
PH: James, how have Bolt’s artistic efforts been viewed by the arts community at large?
James Talia: Well Peter, art critics have dismissed this as a ridiculous stunt and an attempt by Bolt to do anything to bring attention to himself in service of his colossal ego. It has been reported that the entire on-air staff of ailing extreme-right-wing radio station MTR have lauded it as a ground-breaking work of genius.
PH: How does the installation work exactly?
JT: Visitors to the gallery approach Mr Bolt, who is sitting in a corner of a room, and tell him their personal stories. Mr Bolt then vitriolically dismisses them and claims their experiences never happened.
PH: Well, that certainly sounds like an interesting way to pass the time, and no doubt a great drawcard for visitors to our fine city. Thanks, James.
Peter Hitchener: In finance news today, the stock market took another tumble in a continuation of the roller-coaster the markets have experienced in the last few weeks. We cross now to Brandon J. Moneybags III from CommSec, to give us the latest news from the world of finance.
Brandon Moneybags: Thank you Peter. It was another unstable day of trading on the stock exchange today, the worst hit was retailer CheapCrap’R’Us, whose stock dipped 20% following the announcement of a profit warning. In a statement to the Australian Stock Exchange, they downgraded their expected profits next quarter to a mere two-hundred million dollars, rather than the initial predictions of two-hundred and fifty million.
PH: That’s certainly an extraordinary drop in the stock price. What was the reasoning behind brokers punishing CheapCrap’R’Us stock so harshly?
BM: Beats me. Generally speaking, brokers detest any company that does anything less than deliver obscene dividends into their already overinflated bank-balances.
PH: Don’t brokers also care about the possible impact on Mum-and-Dad investors, and superannuation investments?
BM: Are you kidding? Most corporate investors and major shareholders have the rampant greed of a rabid, starving ferret, and dispositions to match. The plebs, um, I mean, the public-at-large does not factor heavily into their thinking. The person garnering the most sympathy from financiers everywhere is CheapCrap’R’Us’s CEO, who finds himself in the unfortunate and dreadful position of having some of his executive bonuses withdrawn, meaning he will pocket a woeful twelve million dollars next financial year instead of the expected fifteen million.
PH: Thanks Brandon. That’s Brandon Moneybags from CommSec, most certainly unbeholden to his corporate masters, with what I’m quite sure is an unbiased account of today’s activity in the markets.
Peter Hitchener: After the break, entertainment news, sport and weather.
(Cue ad-break…)
Make sure you tune in next week for more enthralling news - everything you didn’t know that you had to know...
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