“Here is the news, coming to you every hour on the hour
The weather’s fine but there may be a meteor shower
Here is the news, a cure’s been found for good old rocket lag
Someone left their life behind in a plastic bag
Here is the news, another action filled adventure
All the worst from the world convention”
~ ‘Here Is The News’, by Jeff Lynne
from the Electric Light Orchestra album “Time”, 1981
A brief note on what follows: As per the warning last week, any resemblance in the following piece of fiction to any person, either living, dead, or a GWS supporter, is absolutely intentional. The On Writing Blog: Keeping defamation lawyers in bread and jam since 2011...
(Ad break ends. Cue pompous music. Pompous music fades…)
Peter Hitchener: Welcome back, I’m Peter Hitchener and this is the rest of the news.
PH: For news from the world of entertainment, we now cross to Richard Wilkins, who is… somewhere other than the studio. Apparently our producers believe that having reports given from somewhere other than here in the studio gives them more gravitas. Richard, I understand there has been a dramatic development in the already bizarre career of Lady Gaga?
Richard Wilkins (on location… somewhere other than the studio): Yes, thank you Peter. In entertainment news today, the music world is in shock following the apparent disappearance of pop-icon Lady Gaga during an in-depth interview to be aired on 60 Minutes this Sunday. When asked a serious question about the merits of her music and its originality, the controversial singer appeared stunned and unresponsive. When the interviewer reached over to try and rouse her, she vanished in a puff of irrelevance.
PH: Has there been any sign of her since?
RW: Sadly not. The internet went berserk for a few minutes, with social networking sites awash with rumours, theories and debate amongst diehard fans and detractors alike.
PH: And then what happened?
RW: What do you mean what happened?
PH: What happened with Lady Gaga?
RW: Lady who?
PH: … It appears she has been forgotten as quickly as she appeared. What else is news Richard?
RW: Huge news from Hollywood! I can reveal exclusively that Bono, Tom Cruise, and the Dalai Lama have all been killed in a freak accident involving a jacuzzi, a George Foreman Grill and a bowl of petunias. That’s right, sensational news from Tinsel Town! You heard it here first!
PH: That’s certainly incredible news! How did you come across this stunning scoop?
RW: One of the interns in the office came across it on Twitter. It’s on the internet, it must be true, right? And most definitely newsworthy!
PH: >ahem< Yes, well, um, thank you Richard. Richard Wilkins there with all the glitz and glamour from the world of entertainment. Clearly, all the Botox has done little to blunt Richard’s journalistic skill.
Peter Hitchener: Up next is sport. We have Amy Parks at AAMI Park with an exclusive interview. Amy?
Amy Parks: Thanks Peter, joining me now is Melbourne Storm coach Craig Bellamy. Craig, how does it feel to have coached the Storm to yet another minor premiership after the furore of last year, where the Storm was stripped of all premiership points for the year, as well as its last two premierships?
Craig Bellamy: Yeah, nah, defin’ly, it was a tough year last year, we lost quite a few good players, so it was pretty tough, yeah.
AP: What do attribute this year’s success to?
CB: Yeah, nah, it turns out that a strong work ethic among the playing group, state-of-the-art facilities, good coaching and tactics were really the key to our success, rather than illegally paying players too much.
AP: I’ve also heard rumours that you have reached out to a local AFL team for some assistance, is that correct?
CB: Yeah, nah, we’ve made contact with the Carlton Football Club, we’ve been building relationships there.
AP: What kind of alliance have you been forming with the Blues?
CB: Yeah, nah, we’ve been discussing facilities, training techniques, and most importantly, finding out how the hell they managed to convince the AFL to let them keep the 1995 premiership, the one they bought with salary cap breaches. We’d love to have that secret, of course, and maybe get back the two the NRL took off of us.
AP: Thanks for your time, Craig.
CB: Yeah, nah, no probs.
AP: Back to you in the studio Peter.
PH: Thanks Amy. That’s Amy Parks, reporting from AAMI Park.
Peter Hitchener: And now for the weather with Livinia Nixon. What can Melbournians expect from the weather tomorrow Livinia?
Livinia Nixon: … I don’t know Peter.
PH: Um, OK… what do you mean Livinia?
LN: It’s Melbourne Peter. It may be sunny. It may be cloudy. It may be foggy. It may be rainy. It may be windy. It might be all five at the same time.
PH: Can we… um… narrow that down at all Livinia?
LN: Sure, I could try, but seriously, how can any self-respecting reporter stand here and pretend we have the foggiest idea what the weather in Melbourne is going to be like with any certainty?
PH: This is show-biz, Livinia. We’re here to swallow our dignity and look intelligent while attempting to sound authoritative.
LN: Oh, OK then. In that case, I can absolutely assure our viewers that there it will be sunny and warm for five straight days, before a cold, wet and windy change.
PH: When can we expect that change?
LN: Right in time for the weekend Peter.
PH: Thanks Livinia. Livinia Nixon there with the weather. Coming up next is A Current Affair. For a sneak peak, here’s host Tracy Grimshaw. Tracy, what can we expect on A Current Affair this evening?
Tracy Grimshaw: Thanks Peter, coming up on A Current Affair tonight is Martin King’s hard-hitting exposé about a bitter ongoing feud between neighbours in a sleepy suburban cul-de-sac in outer Sydney.
PH: Sounds intriguing.
TG: Most definitely Peter, it’s a really good excuse to plant a few hidden cameras and have footage of unemployed bogans behaving like infants. There’ll be plenty of swearing, but it will be bleeped out, so the kiddies can watch and enjoy the show as well.
PH: What else can we look forward to?
TG: For the dads watching tonight, we have designer Alex Perry’s new range of woman’s underwear, which manages to be racy, revealing and totally impractical all at the same time. We’ll have models in their late teens, which look nothing like any of our female viewers, to try on the very best of the new range and parade about shamelessly. We’re sure this will in no way create unreal expectations among our viewers as to what a normal body shape for a woman.
PH: Sure to be gripping viewing Tracy.
PH: That’s Tracy Grimshaw, with a preview of A Current Affair, so stay tuned. There will be absolutely no mention of the political upheaval in Libya or the devastating drought in East Africa, so I’m sure we’ll all be a better human beings for having watched it.
PH: And that brings us to the end of the news for this evening. We hope we haven’t challenged your shallow thinking or your dogmatic mono-cutural biases too much, and that you’ll join us again tomorrow for a further stream of drivel that our intrepid news team has dumbed down enough for you, the great unquestioning, pap-consuming masses. Thanks for watching. Good night!
(Cue Pompous music… )
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