“If I could be King, even for a day
I’d take you as my Queen, I’d have it no other way
And our love will rule this kingdom we have made
Until then I’ll be a fool, wishing for the day
That I can change the world...”
~ ‘Change the World’, by Sims/Gordon/Kirkpatrick
performed by Eric Clapton for the soundtrack to the movie “Phenomenon”, 1996
Last week I spoke about improving life as we know it by changing things that bug me. Goodness knows why this conceit has not found itself popular support. Perhaps one day. Onward!
What they should do is stop giving oxygen to the arguments of morons like Lord Christopher Monckton, 3rd Viscount Monckton of Brenchly (you’ve just got to love a self-important title one ‘earns’ by simply being born of certain parentage, don’t you?). He is a climate change skeptic who enjoys inexplicable popularity in Australia, even while he is derided elsewhere as a bit of a whacko. Among his more colourful claims is that he can cure Grave’s disease, multiple sclerosis, influenza and herpes simplex 6. All this despite Monckton not having a single qualification in medicine whatsoever, and that he can provide no evidence to back his claims. He has advocated the complete quarantine of every HIV carrier on the planet in order to eradicate the disease, as well as compulsory blood testing of every human being on the planet every month. Every single person. Every single month.
So, when he spouts what he claims are facts about climate change being a myth, you need to consider the source. Accepting climate change advice from Monckton is like getting a lesson in civics from Mayor McCheese.
What they should do is change the scoring system of tennis. It’s manages to skip right over stupid, and lands square on nonsensical. First point in a game? ‘15’. The second? ‘30’. Doesn’t make much sense but at least it’s mathematically consistent. The third point a player receives is… ‘40’. Huh? Did I miss a meeting? Shouldn’t that be ‘45’? And if opposing players have both won three points in a game, the score is ‘deuce’. Because why the hell not?
Also, when the opposing player has not scored yet in a game, their score is ‘zero’. It isn’t really, but oh, how I wish that were so. Their score is ‘love’. Really? Really? I’m fairly certain there’s a sensible historical reason tennis is scored this way. Of course, I’m lying again, there’s nothing even vaguely sensible about it and I think whoever invented that scoring system should be locked in a room with a hungry Serena Williams and an abacus as punishment.
I do, however, like the ‘advantage’ system, whereby each game needs to be won by at least two points and each set must be won by at least two games, but why must they persist with the deuce/advantage scoring system rather than the more sensible points awarded in tie-breaker games? In tennis, tie-breakers are like a few brief moments of numerical lucidity in an hour of bug-nuts crazy.
What they should do is seriously reform the family court. Under the current adversarial system (where two opposing parties present arguments to a judge), whoever had the most resources wins, because they can almost keep arguing forever or until the other party runs out of money, in which case they have no choice but to give the more wealthy party whatever they want. The court and it’s surrounding systems care little for what is in the best interests of the children, regardless of the pathetic lip service they pay to such lofty notions.
What they ought to replace it with is an inquisitorial system, whereby the court actively investigates the facts, and takes all the relevant information into account, then makes an appropriate determination. What they ought to do is forget the politically correct bias towards men as custodial guardians. A neglectful and irresponsible parent is neglectful and irresponsible regardless of their gender. Some judges and court-appointed ‘family psychologists’ need to check their over-inflated egos at the door and get a damned clue.
What they should do is eradicate spiders. All of them. Because they very much freak me out.
What they should do is put a little warning label on any product bearing the ‘bunny’ symbol of Playboy. It should read something like this: “Please be advised that this symbol represents the objectification and degradation of women. The misogynistic creators and copyright holders of this symbol, who profit from its sale, are not the least bit interested in empowering women or young girls and in all likelihood despise and disrespect the female population entirely. They are, and always have been, of the view that women are nothing more than playthings that exist for the sole purpose of gratifying men.”
What they should do is pay teachers and nurses more. This may be tremendously self-serving, but it is true all the same.
Nursing and teaching seldom fit into the description of high-paying. More often than not, we have to slog out twelve brutal rounds with State Governments in order to get a meagre payrise, barely keeping up with inflationary pressures. They are frequently thankless careers. I’ve heard the ignorant arguments that “nurses are glorified bum wipers” and “teachers get school holidays off” ad nauseum every time the issue of pay increases and working conditions are debated. Those arguments are old and pathetic and speak loudly of the scant regard with which these professions are held. Teaching a child to read and think and reason, or assisting one who is infirm, unwell or vulnerable may not be sexy professions, full of glory and financial rewards, but my word, they have teeth.
If only politicians of all creeds fought as diligently to improve our collective lot as they fight against wage claims by woefully undervalued individuals who do far more for society that they are ever given credit for, we’d find ourselves in utopia.
What they ought to do is just go ahead and make me Emperor of the World. I’ll be benevolent and kind and I’ll fix stuff. You may even get a public holiday on my birthday. What could possibly go wrong?
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